Food is good for now, but I'm starting to wonder if I may need to look into a group like OA if I can't sustain a healthy balance with food. I have always regarded OA as a last resort, but I realize I could just check it out. It doesn't mean if I go once, I have to commit. An acquaintance at work told me she has gone a few times and although she hasn't actually "subscribed", she had positive things to say about it. I know Weight Watchers and other commercial plans are not for me; I don't like their messages, but OA has a compassionate message that does resonate with me. I don't feel that I have any big issues that I'm using food to deal with, but I do feel unresolved about my eating and weight. I have been around and unhappy at) this same weight for years now. Yes, I gained back some of the 8 pounds I lost last year.
Just some thoughts floating around in my head. Time to go to bed now.
8 pounds now! And into the 140s for the first time in a couple years. I haven't really noticed any significant, visible changes in my body, but now at the gym when I pick up one of those purple 8 pound dumbbells, I can say to myself, "I lost this much."
I like to do my strength training in the group exercise room at the gym. Exercise classes are at noon or before or after work hours so the group exercise room is usually empty when I'm at the gym, and it is a quieter, more peaceful place where I can concentrate on my workout and not feel self-concious. Occasionally, other people come in and some of them have even apologized to me for interupting. I say to them, "Hey, I don't own this room." Most of the time, though, I'm alone, and that's fine with me. I'm not at the gym for social interaction, and I'm usually breathing too hard to carry on a decent conversation.
Anyway! A couple weeks ago I was at the gym doing my strength training, and this young woman who I know slightly came in and we said hi and made intermittent comments to one another as we did our exercises. She's pretty and very thin. As I was getting into position to do my bridge and curls she said something to me that I wasn't sure I heard right so I said, "What?" and she said, "You know, you really look great." Wow! I said thanks and also told her that I really appreciated her telling me that. I guess I must be getting some visible results even though I can't really see them yet.
I had planned to take today and Friday off to do schoolwork, but now that I've dropped my class, I'm just having vacation. Yea!!! The heat wave is over, but it's still summery outside. In fact, if there is a such a thing as perfect summer weather, we are having it now - temperature in the low 80s, sunshine, bright blue sky, a gentle breeze blowing. It's just gorgeous.
The Bad
Too bad the war in Iraq is still raging, and our lousy president is still saying it's the right thing. Yes, I had the TV on, and was watching Dr. Phil, but a special report has come on with him giving a press conference. The press is asking tough questions, some even designed to shoot holes in his policy, but he just won't back down. Worst president ever, certainly of my lifetime, although Sweetie says Nixon was pretty bad. I know it doesn't mean much, but to the people of Iraq, I just want to say, I'm sorry. I didn't vote for this guy and now most of the American people don't approve of him and are against the war. So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry and so are most other Americans.
In other news, it's still hot. Hot hot hot. Sweetie commented that the heat really seems to be bothering me. Hmm... he didn't say I've been complaining, but I guess I have been. The heat combined with my nausea does not make me feel like doing much of anything at home. I feel like it's too hot to read, it's too hot to blog, it's too hot to work on the giant jigsaw puzzle I set out. I just want to sit around. At least there's air conditioning at work.
I'm way behind on Junkfood Science by Sandy Szwarc because she posts frequently and lengthily. Her posts are sometimes so long that I admit that I don't always get all the way through them, but I think I've figured out her "deal." She believes that there is no obesity epidemic and that the media is promoting health worries and hysteria about food and size by shoddy reporting that is frequently not based in fact. According to Szwarc, the facts often support the opposite of what the media is saying. I like what she is doing, especially because I hate when the media uses the concept of "health" as a smokescreen for their prejudice against fat. Szwarc is great at combatting "health" based reasoning, citing many studies that are used simply to market for weight loss as an industry.
Today I found this April 24 post: Healthy Aging Techniques that links to a hilarious article: The Healthy Boomers in the Toronto Star. This made me laugh out loud. I particularly loved the lines: "If this is not one of the two nights per week they are scheduled to make love, a schedule by which they both abide, whether they feel like it or not in order to avoid friction – a third conjugal event is optional – the Starrs will work on crossword puzzles or Sudoku to keep their minds sharp and prevent Alzheimer's later in life." The idea of reducing every activity to a recipe for health is just too funny.
Yea - 5 pounds gone! It's taken me more than 2 months, but it's finally something significant. (FYI, 150 is not my ultimate goal, but it's a good short term one.) I think the one thing, other than eating of course, that has helped is running on the treadmill. Yesterday I did a total of seven minutes of running - one interval of three minutes and two intervals of two minutes. As I said before, my goal is to eventually run for 10 minutes straight, but I think even these brief intervals of running are helping me to lose weight, and that's a good thing.
I'm kind of not really caring that much about weight lost right now though. I'm preoccupied because a lump has been found in my mom's breast and apparently, further testing has determined that it's not good and has to come out. It was found during a mamogram so I'm thinking it's "early detection" and that will be good, right? Still, cancer is scary.
I am heading up to Rockport today to visit, and although I'll be glad to see my mom, I'm conflicted about seeing my sister. I'm still feeling angry at her because of what she said the last time I saw her, and in some ways, dreading what annoying / rude things she is going to say to me this time. I need to let go of my anger, but I'm not doing a good job of it. For instance, I was really rude to her on the phone yesterday.
She called me and told me about the finding about my mom's lump (I already knew she had a lump, just not the results) and I said, "I wish you wouldn't call me about stuff like this at work." And she said she thought she was doing a good thing, and that I should call my mom. There was no reason for my sister to call and tell me and get me upset at work (!!!). I mean, I'm going to see my mom today and if she hasn't called me then she's waiting to see me and talk to me in person. FYI, I did call my mom right after talking to my sister, and she seemed as fine as she could be in this situation.
Of course, I'm much angrier about this than normal because I'm already mad at my sister. And now that I was rude to my her, she's probably hurt and I feel guilty. I don't like confrontation, butI tried to tell her how her comment made me feel, and she still wouldn't acknowledge it. Our family sucks at confrontation. My parents were never good at dealing with things head on and this is the behavior we learned. I have made a concerted effort to try to say things right out, but on this issue with my sister I didn't think I'd get a satisfactory outcome so I was hesitant. But I did it so I think that's all I can do as far as she's concerned. I don't think we're going to really resolve this issue between us so I need to let go of my anger and move on.
I like Slate even though I don't always agree with the viewpoints of their writers. Dear Prudence is certainly no exception, but the third letter inher April 26 column is interesting. Prudence's response is decent, but mostly I found the letter interesting because although my sister is not nearly as bad as "Anna," what the writer said about her friend reminded me of the way my sister talks sometimes. I have noticed her interest in others' eating habits and weight has really increased in the last few years, and it doesn't make me more insecure about my weight and size, but it does make me uncomfortable for two reasons. One, I'm trying to have a more positive attitude about my body and I think one of the best ways to do that is to stop judging others for what they eat and how they look. And two, I am always on guard for comments she may make that obliquely chide me about my weight.
Mopie and company have a new home for Big Fat Deal. I love the fuller figured "mud flap naked lady" on the header, and the lay-out is just great all around. If you don't read this blog (although you probably already do; Mo is something of an internet celebrity), it's about issues around weight and size and how they are portrayed in the media. If you want to read intelligent blog posts by people who are rightfully outraged by the negative depictions of fat (and sometimes not even fat, just not skinny) people in pop culture then this is the place for it.
Note: I like Big Fat Deal because it's intelligent and entertaining, but also because it doesn't criticize people for wanting to lose weight. There is another blog, Big Fat Blog, which is strictly fat acceptance focused. I'm all for fat acceptance and strongly feel that the bias people have against fat has very little to do with health and way more to do with appearance and negative assumptions about the personalities of fat people. (I also feel that some of the supposed health risks of obesity are exaggerated.) And that's the focus of Big Fat Blog. However, I must confess I don't read this one, although I respect what they're doing because I do want to be thinner, and I don't feel reading that blog is encouraging on that front (not being sarcastic here, although I realize it may have sounded that way).
Speaking of exagerated health risks, I am reminded of yet anotherblog: Junk Food Science where I've been stopping by lately. Ms. Szwarc does a great job of looking behind the headlines and the interpretations of scientific studies on health and weight and makes some convincing arguments against the claims that there is an Obesity Epidemic. The main message I take away from her blog is that we need to just chill in the face of the media and people who want us to buy their products by scaring us about health claims that are often not even true if you examine them, and Szwarc examines them for us. Thanks.
Miss Rachel
